I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
