and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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