I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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