Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
