i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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