i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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