I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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