We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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