Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
