I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
