Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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