Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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