I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
