I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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