Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
