I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
