Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
