Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he wants to bone in the snuggie
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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