Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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