Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dignity is for republicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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