Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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