Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
