Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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