everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
