So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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