Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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