chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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