I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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