I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
