i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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