I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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