Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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