you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm too high and old for this...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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