alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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