I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
