im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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