drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
