i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
