Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
