fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
