I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
