yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
