It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
