I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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