Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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