watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
