why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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