I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
