if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
3 2 1 whiskey
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
