He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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