Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
