I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
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also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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