highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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