apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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