peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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