So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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