my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
