Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
