11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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