I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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