I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
