Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
